Wednesday, 20 June 2012

EVE is Dying: The Four Developers of the Apocalypse




“EVE is dying” is an oft-written mantra espoused by many a disillusioned EVE player. The forums are awash with glassy-eyed bitter veterans who, like digital zombies, can do nothing but shamble from thread to thread searching for dreams to crush. Like care-in-the-community mental health patients, they wave their placards and don their sandwich-boards proclaiming “the end of New Eden is nigh” whilst being largely ignored, reviled or occasionally smiled at pitifully for being vaguely amusing.

But one day, they will be right.

Is the End of New Eden Nigh?

A shocking recent find in the bowels of the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull tells of a day when CCP - and EVE - will fall. In an archaeological discovery to equal the Dead Sea Scrolls, an ancient memory stick, thought to pre-date the settlement of Iceland in 874 AD, contains a prophecy foretelling a technological cataclysm. The 32-kilobyte stick, made of bone and feathers, is said to contain data predicting dark forces working within CCP and how they their unification will bring about an irrevocable catastrophe.

A statement released by the Icelandic Government spoke of “sinister characterisations” and “occult powers” but they are taking the threat seriously;

“We are working closely with CCP to ensure that no supposed prophecy can have a negative impact on CCP's products and the part they play in the Icelandic economy. Whether this discovery is part of an elaborate hoax or if there are indeed agents within CCP who can wreak the predicted damage, we are not at liberty to disclose at this time.”

An anonymous source has provided details of the prophecy, which suggests four demonic entities already dwell within the ranks of CCP. Each of these modern-day devils are supposedly already at work attempting to bring about the downfall of New Eden, but the prophecy claims that only when they unite will EVE Online finally fall.

The Four Dark Powers of Crowd Control Productions

Leaked information taken from government dossiers details these harbingers of digital doom – referred to as “The Four Developers of the Apocalypse”. They are as follows:

CCP Legacy

CCP Legacy is the Gremlin General and the eldest of the Apocalypse Devs. His nefarious plans involve confounding all development progress by using his army of invisible techno-minions to defeat mortal developers with a complex web of brittle design elements which underpin the very structure of vital systems within EVE Online's architecture. CCP Legacy is a demon obsessed with history and does everything in his power to preserve the Old Ways.

His gremlin armies are locked in a forever war with the mortal developers. CCP Legacy knows that time is on his side, with every passing moment more systems fall to the embrace of Legacy, forcing the resolute developer teams to risk ripping them out and causing a cataclysmic failure or leave them to cause a slow, rotting atrophy.

CCP Hubris

Son of CCP Legacy, CCP Hubris works his dark arts from the shadows. Feeding the egos of the weak with images of distant glories, he creates a dreamlike state in his victims, leaving them suffering from reality blindness and selective deafness.

CCP Hubris' name is often invoked at critical moments of EVE Online's development history. His most recent victory was in the Summer of 2011 where his whispered promises of glory and power led EVE Online's development into the shambles that has been called variously Monoclegate, The Summer of Incarnage, Incarnageddon and many other names that has CCP Hubris slavering at the grinning maw.

An ever-present threat, CCP Hubris was briefly cast out in the Battle for the Crucible late last year, but evidence has started to surface that he is gaining influence once more.

CCP Competence

Wife of CCP Hubris, CCP Competence uses the natural human inclination to err to further her own malevolent goals. Using unique powers of psychological manipulation, she can empower her victim to great feats of competence, allowing them to be elevated in status, with colleagues and superiors convinced of the individual's inflated ability, only for that ability to be stripped away at a key moment.

She works closely with her partner, CCP Hubris, to create a web of false epiphanies, fragile promises and seductive dreams which most mortals find hard to resist.

CCP Myopia

The idiot dwarf child of CCP Hubris and CCP Competence, CCP Myopia was born without eyelids or the ability to move her eyes or head. As a result Myopia can only focus on a single goal and can do nothing but run headlong into it, often chanting a nonsense battlecry, “herpderpherpderpHERPDERP!”. This, of course, would be a problem only to her parents, were it not for CCP Myopia's gift for demonic mass possession.

By possessing the souls of CCP developers and decision-makers, CCP Myopia has developed a talent for misdirecting focus. This can cause entire groups of people to become utterly convinced of their single purpose, whilst disregarding the desires and needs of others. Her talent has been seen used effectively to derail recent CCP victories, causing them to single-mindedly focus on appeasing specific customer types whilst disregarding others. CCP Myopia's influence has been particularly effective in the marketing department.

Prophecy or Pap?

The prophecy itself suggests that only when these four powerful entities unite their influence in a single event will the damage cause an irreversible fail cascade leading to the end of New Eden. It is of course easy to dismiss this as senseless hokum, but a brief review of EVE forums and discussions across the internet will reveal repeated mentions of the above entities. There's no smoke without fire and there is a grain of truth in every lie.


Of the digital reign of warring spaceships, a termination is foretold,
Some threats averted, some lay in wait, perhaps ships and ammo of gold?
Whilst form unclear, the Powers Four, stalk the Halls of Ice.
Come Legacy, Hubris, Competence and Myopia to bring forth developer vice.


12 comments:

  1. Much truth here and I didn't know 'Incarnage' which made me laugh.
    Possibly you best blog entry so far :P

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  2. Prophecies of Doom always seem to have an out... did any of the translations mention such a possibility? Or are we truly doomed?

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  3. So which one is Greyscale again?

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  4. @Rixx Who can truly say mate? I only write what my "sources" tell me.

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  5. me thinks you had fun writing that one

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  6. It was indeed fun and very silly. And of course entirely true. ;)

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  7. Love it! Next post should be the Five Forum Trolls and the doom of civil conversations.

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  8. Just imagine if they used their powers for good. Especially CCP competence... I could use a dose of that. Any chance of an early second cuming of CCP_Messiah? I mean, it's about time he gets laid again.

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  9. Sublte erosion which only the wary notice will precede the fall.

    "Only when it can no longer be reborn is it dead." - Ancient Khanid proverb.

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  10. Brilliantly done. And hilarious, especially considering all the hurf blurf again on a grand IPO and taking the company to the stock exchange - "cause it's gonna be awesome".

    I'd love to watch these four devs force that set of goals once again.

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Lay it on me.