Monday, 12 March 2012

Sister Eve: Space Nun and Agony Aunt

Welcome to the helpline by the hard-talking, hard-drinking space nun with a direct commlink to God. Sister Eve has got the answers to all your problems, she drinks single malts from a pint glass and can mine, shoot and doesn't give a FAQ. No problem left unsolved. Read on to see how the unadulterated wisdom of the blessed has already helped many of her readers.




Dear Sister Eve

Does playing EVE Online count as a religious activity?

Hilly P.


Well Hilly, playing EVE Online will certainly bring you closer to God. The opportunity to fly through the heavens and wonder at the beauty of God's creation often moves me to tears. That said, I fly a Falcon which looks like Lucifer's lunchbox, so even God has off days.

S.E.



Dear Sister Eve

I have a confession to make. I am so addicted to EVE Online that I regularly miss church. Should I repent?

Ricky


Ricky, many of the activities in EVE Online take so long that you will undoubtedly need to sacrifice real life opportunities. But on the plus side the gameplay gives you plenty of time to pray. Or drink. Or both. Just make sure it's red wine so you can claim it's the blood of Our Lord.

S.E



Dear Sister Eve

My ship was destroyed by another player whilst I was autopiloting through high security space. I thought I was safe but now I've lost everything. I petitioned it but CCP aren't going to do anything. The players are cheats and the GMs are corrupt.

Angry Carebear


Well Angry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you're shit out of luck. It's the nature of the game sonny. As a "sandbox" world, players are free to make their own moral choices and face the consequences.

This practice of "suicide ganking" is not considered cheating (even if it is a mortal sin), so there is no GM corruption. Whilst your attacker's ship would have been destroyed by CONCORD, he may well have had a friend nearby to scoop your wreck, leaving you with nothing but bitterness and resentment. The lesson to be learned is; don't fly AFK with valuables onboard. If your ship can be destroyed by a ship worth much less than the value of your cargo and fittings, then you are vulnerable. Either keep your wits about you or accept you are doing God's work by giving to the needy.

S.E.



Dear Sister Eve

I'm thinking of playing EVE Online but I've heard bad things about the players. Is it safe for trans-gender players?

GalaxyQuean


GalaxyQuean, EVE Online players are beautiful, splendid, wicked folk. In much the same way an invading army is - individually they may be tolerant and professional, but they are there to fight for their cause and probably to kill you. With extreme prejudice. And dick jokes. Some of them are okay people, but in truth, most of them are total titbags. In their defence, they believe they're paying a monthly subscription for the privilege of behaving how they like. Sadly, like most of the internet, anonymity gives voice to bigotry, pettiness and The Devil's work. You can petition inappropriate behaviour but you're better off by being forewarned and forearmed with a thick skin and a crucifix. You can also take strength in the knowledge that they will one day be burning in hell.

Out of curiosity, do you sit or stand?

S.E.



Dear Sister Eve

Why do you play Internet spaceships? Shouldn't you be doing God's work?

Curious Cal


Cal, I am doing God's work. The open nature of the gameplay of EVE Online exposes players to moral temptation in a controlled environment. There is no better divining rod in the world than EVE Online for finding the morally bankrupt, the sinners, the bullies and the cowards. There are many, many souls to be saved here. Plus I can get through a bottle of scotch whilst mining and still be able to play like a pro.

S.E.



Dear Sister Eve

Does God play EVE Online?

Bert159


Bert, yes he does, and he loves it. He says it's the best game in the world other than, well... The World. He's in my corp and he flies stealth bombers (he says they're good for surprise smitings). He's not our CEO anymore though, we voted him out cos he's a terrible listener. He thinks that emails and direct contact is inappropriate and he made us pray just to get our ship losses reimbursed. Now we've got this great new guy called Jay Escariot in charge and I feel we're in much better and safer hands.

S.E.



Dear Sister Eve

Who do you fly with? Are you looking for a corp?

Bob


Bob, I'm pretty trusting and fly with a lot of folks, but I <3 my corpies and I'm pretty happy where I am thanks. JC is a great FC and all of the Apostles really know their stuff. I'm learning a lot about ship manufacturing and hauling from Noah. Moses mostly takes us on Stealth ops with his Black Ops Redeemer Battleship - he's great at getting us back home from hostile territory. I'm a bit suspicious of new guy Pontius though, he rarely logs on and doesn't seem interested in getting his hands dirty.

S.E.



Dear Sister Eve

I've heard about your corp and your CEO. You need to know your place - I'm the only god that counts in EVE. Don't get any ideas or we'll ruin your game.

Lots of love.

Alex


Alex, are u mad bro? Bring it.

S.E.


If you've got a problem with EVE or life, Sister Eve is the answer to your prayers. You can contact her to confess your sins or to get a dose of her life-changing wisdom by leaving a comment below.

3 comments:

  1. I fell out of my chair because God smote me with a bomb.

    Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brilliant! I look forward to more posts and enlightment from Sister Eve. May her lasers light the path!

    ReplyDelete

Lay it on me.