Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Dr Stan's Capsuleer Clinic



New Eden is a stressful environment and health problems amongst EVE Online players are becoming increasingly common. This is the first in a series of guides designed to enable sufferers of EVE-related maladies to be able to diagnose and treat developing conditions before permanent damage is done.

A healthy EVE player is a happy EVE player.


Emo-Rage
(Status Muppetus Enragicus)

Causes/Pre-Cursors
The primary cause of emo-rage is a disproportionate emotional commitment to a video game combined with a perceived injustice.

The nature of the EVE Online environment is that it attracts individuals who thrive on schadenfreude and set out to 'grief' others in the hope of providing a negative experience for their victims. Their aim is to trigger an episode of emo-rage and 'capture the tears' of it's sufferers.

Additionally the developers, CCP, can inadvertantly trigger widespread emo-rage epidemics. Enthusiastic players of EVE Online develop passionate opinions about the many aspects of their chosen game environment and when game design changes affect this, emo-rage can result.

Signs and Symptoms
  • Acute emotional outbursts
  • Regrettable forum or blog posts
  • Hypertension
  • Self-harm, commonly violent and repeated 'face-palming' or 'head-desking'
  • The compulsion to cease EVE Online activity (Emoragequit)
Treatment
In the event of any of the above symptoms acutely manifesting as a result of an EVE Online related incident, the following six-step programme is advised:
  1. Breathe deeply and slowly.
  2. Move away from solid or expensive objects.
  3. Find a secluded area.
  4. Scream.
  5. Move to a well ventilated area, ideally with sunlight.
  6. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Repeated episodes may require consultation with your physician or participation in an RTFM programme.


Burn-Out
(Obsessivus Collapsicus)

Causes/Pre-Cursors
Often caused by the invasive nature of EVE Online, the player buckles under the pressure of their perceived responsibilities and enters a depressed state.

The mismanagement of time or a sense of social responsibility to fellow players leads to feeling pressured and compelled.

Signs and Symptoms
  • Lethargy
  • Apathy
  • Loss of motivation
Treatment
A change of game-play style or responsibility levels can effect positive results. Burn-out is the sufferer's natural response to over-exposure to or under-enjoyment of EVE Online and is often a self-treating condition. The tendency is for the sufferer to avoid the EVE Online environment for a period of time, returning only when enthusiasm levels rise.

In some cases, the sufferer may override the compulsion to leave the EVE Online environment. This can greatly increase the risk of contracting Bitter Old Veteran Syndrome.



Bitter Old Veteran Syndrome
(Bovwhine Whingyforum Encephalapathy)

Causes/Pre-Cursors
Long-term players of EVE Online who have developed a passionate interest often lapse into this state after a series of disappointments. Often the individual's passion gives rise to unreasonable expectations which are inevitably not met.

BOVS is a social disease and long-term interaction with the EVE online meta-gaming experience greatly increases the likelihood of developing BOVS through exposure to other sufferers.

Signs and Symptoms
  • Obsessive behaviour surrounding key gameplay issues
  • The compulsion to criticise in all available social media
  • An arbitrary aversion to change
  • Inflated sense of entitlement
  • Hairy palms
Treatment
Although the more aggressive aspects of BOVS can be appeased by the introduction of desired gameplay changes, this tends to be a short-term solution which only amplifies the BOVS sufferers condition in the medium- to long-term.

Mild or acute sufferers gain much benefit from fresh air or participating in a non-digital activity. Alcoholic beverages can have beneficial effects.

Moderate sufferers have had some success by interacting in a non-digital environment with real human beings. This enables them to develop a more objective view of their interests. A key technique that aids recovery is the the shrug. Development of a good shrug technique promotes the release of relaxing neurotransmitters, enabling the BOVS suffer to give less of a shit.

Severe sufferers of BOVS suffer from a debilitating mental condition. There has been some successful treatment with the repeated application of a bi-phasic current through the pre-frontal cortex. In other cases it has proven to be untreatable. Terminal sufferers should be aware that they may infect others and should probably consider other hobbies.

6 comments:

  1. Tis a thing of beauty you write here, Dr. Stan.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have hairy palms but haven't been playing that long. What do I do?

    ReplyDelete
  3. ditto what Krispy Dingo said
    this post is full of win!

    ReplyDelete
  4. You forgot those people who continue to try to be trolls on the forums, on blogs and in local. You know, those people who just don't have a clue about anything, those who say the game is dying because they are too stupid to figure out that things like PvP is more then pressing F1 through F8.

    The condition is called Capitus Inrectus Maximus.

    :P

    Love the post mate, keep 'em coming!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks Doc. I have diagnosed myself as being afflicted with Obsessivus Collapsicus. This malady was aggravated by a new real-world work life -- adapting to a new environment and new social interactions burned out my desire to interact on a social level in New Eden. I believe the level of caring and social responsiveness exhibited by this reply is indicative of my case entering remission.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I LOL'd. many many times. thank you kind sir, please continue

    ReplyDelete

Lay it on me.