Sunday, 27 February 2011

EVE Skills Redefined

Drones: The ability to go on and on in dull monotonous tones on voice-comms, much to the dismay of all other users.

Drone Navigation: The ability to get voice-over work for SatNav manufacturers, "After 6AU, at the third planet, turn left."

Cloaking: The skill of wielding a cloak theatrically. Often required for careers in villainy and opera phantoming.

Long Distance Jamming: The ability to play a musical instrument in synch with others over vast distances. Useful for band members who hate each other.

Multitasking: Something men can't do, so my wife tells me.

Survey: The skill of hanging around in shopping centres with a clipboard and asking inane questions to anyone stupid enough to make eye contact.

Target Painting: A skill required by dartboard manufacturers and really cheap gun clubs.

Signature Analysis: The skill of being able to tell whether that really is John Lennon's signature or if it's actually part of an old shopping list requiring you to buy a 'Jif lemon'.

Shield Compensation: Knowledge of the very specific field of law that provides maligned shields with the opportunity to seek reparations for undue loss of hitpoints and self-esteem. 

Tactical Shield Manipulation: A skill lawyers defending against shield compensation cases (see above) use to interrogate and discredit the claimant.

Controlled Bursts: A skill used by acne sufferers to alleviate pimple pressure.

Surgical Strike: A favoured skill of medical staff for use during pay disputes.

Motion Prediction: Having the foresight to know when to be near to a public convenience.

Refining: The ability to force the owner of an illegally parked vehicle to pay their fine twice. Useful in the ninja traffic warden career.

Mass Production: A skill favoured by ecclesiastical communities, enabling the organisation of impressive nativity plays during church services.

Jury Rigging: An illegal activity used to ensure a favourable result during legal trials. Stacks with Tactical Shield Manipulation during shield compensation claims.

Remote Sensing: A very useful skill enabling the relocation of the television control device that's probably down the back of the sofa.

Hacking: The ability to emit a harsh, dry cough on demand.

Research: The ability to search for something more than once in the same place. Great for lost car keys, but never makes them magically reappear in the place they should be no matter how many times you look.

Scientific Networking: The dubious ability to attend dull parties and make friends with people who spend far too much time staring into petri dishes.

Fast Talk: The skill of babbling like you've taken amphetamines. Or maybe it's the ability to take amphetamines. Nobody has ever been able to understand your explanation to be sure. You pill-head.

Assault Ships: The dubious act of punching and kicking large ocean-going vessels. It is unclear why people would want to learn to do this.

Battlecruisers: The ability to start conflicts with people attempting to solicit sexual favours in public places.

Mining Barge: A basic combat technique similar to a shoulder barge but performed with the aid of a pick-axe, often with spectacular results.

Contracting: The ability to shrink to impossibly small sizes. Also allows the user to catch diseases really easily.

[This post was inspired by a random chat in the OLD POND PUB in-game channel. With thanks to Vsmit for the inspiration. More contributions are welcome from readers, the sillier the better.]

10 comments:

  1. Man, I love when my mindless babble causes a blog post.

    Nice work taking my words and adding so much to them.

    Here's a couple more:

    Amarr Drone Specialization: Similar to the Drones skill, though you specialize in droning on and on about the Pax Amarria.

    Motion Prediction: Allows you to see the future. (Disclaimer: Does not work on objects that do not move)

    Wholesale: The ability to purchase and sell mass quantities of groceries at one time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Financial Connections - The ability to call upon a group of wealthy individuals (usually met through possibly unsavory actions) in order to increase wallet size. Stacks with Jury Rigging and Tactical Shield Manipulation.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is hilarious! Promoting it on #tweetfleet.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lol, very funny.

    Tossed a link to this post on my blog.

    http://flakbait.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  5. Medium projectile specialisation skill.
    The ability to vomit a medium size pizza through the litter boxes small opening.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Surgical Strike - The ability to picket medical facilities, and organise mass sit-ins in clone bays.

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  7. Infomorph Psychology: The mindset required to change information into the desired form. Stacks with Jury Rigging

    Repair Systems: The ability to correct errors in computers regardless of their nature.

    Energy Management: The ability to change from fresh to tired and vice versa at will.

    Propulsion Jamming: The ability to create music from speed changes.

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  8. Jump Freighter: An Olympic Event first seen during the London 2012 Olympics, caused in part due to missed construction deadlines and a massive cock-up at the planning office.

    ReplyDelete

Lay it on me.