Monday, 23 August 2010

Dear God, Please Kill Them All

Welcome to the twentieth installment of the EVE Blog Banter, the monthly EVE Online blogging extravaganza created by CrazyKinux. The EVE Blog Banter involves an enthusiastic group of gaming bloggers, a common topic within the realm of EVE Online, and a week to post articles pertaining to the said topic. The resulting articles can either be short or quite extensive, either funny or dead serious, but are always a great fun to read! Any questions about the EVE Blog Banter should be directed to crazykinux@gmail.com. Check out other EVE Blog Banter articles at the bottom of this post!

With the recent completion of the 3rd installment of the Hulkageddon last month, @CyberinEVE, author of Hands Off, My Loots!, asks: "Griefing is a very big part of EVE. Ninja Salvaging, Suicide Ganking, Trolling, and Scamming are all a very large part of the game. What do you think about all these things? You can talk about one, or all...but just let us know your overall opinion on Griefing, and any recommendations you may have to change it if you think it's needed."



Dear God,

My name is Sar and I am 9-years-old and I live in Zulup-Ark Square, Tanisa, Zorast. I am a proud Amarrian.

I'm sad and angry and I don't understand your ways. My mother says I should write to you for the answers she can't give.

Father Samet at our church said that there are many gods in the heavens, but you are the only true god and the most powerful.

If that is true, why can't my brother come home any more? He worked on a starship that was destroyed. Mother says it's because some other gods wanted to kill him for the stuff that his god left behind. But my brother was always good and only ever did nice things for us. He once brought me a bit of asteroid that was shiny.

Father Samet says that some gods call themselves ninjas, which means they are sneaky and cunning. But what they do hurts people and they enjoy that. That makes me angry and I think it is wrong.

We learn in your church that it is wrong to steal, but that is what these ninjas do. They only steal things from other gods, but they steal lives from normal people. Father Samet says I shouldn't cry because that is what they want. But why do you make some people so hateful, God?

One day I will learn to fly through the stars and I will hurt them back, then they will be sorry. Will you help me teach them a lesson?

Please kill them all.

Yours Faithfully

Sar


---oooOooo---

Dear Sar


As your diety I don't usually do this sort of thing, so apologies if my correspondence seems inappropriate.


Firstly, I'm sorry about your brother but it was his time. I cannot really explain my reasoning as that would contravene some fundamental laws and give you a nasty inflammation of your immortal soul.


Please don't confuse these charlatan gods for genuinely omnipotent beings. They are flesh and blood just like you, they've just picked up a few cheap tricks to gain advantage over their fellow mortals.


But between you and me, all this cloning is really messing with their souls. Their fancy mind-transfer technology totally fails on that front, so guess who's got to move it all manually? I'm forever gathering up soul particles and stuffing them back in the vessels. It's like herding heretics. Sometimes I outsource to some of the out-of-belief pantheons and there've been a few comical fumbles there, I can tell you.


Anyway, I ramble. My point is, don't be too hard on these fake-god pod pilots, you ever photocopied a photocopy? They end up having bits missing. Whilst your brother's immortal soul is happily cavorting with angels in the Afterlife, the capsuleers are rapidly running out of currency with which to check in.


And these so-called ninja-looters are the parasitic scavengers of the capsuleers. The lowest of them all. They are the bottom-feeders of New Eden and I have a special place reserved for them.


But I invented parasites and scavengers and bottom-feeders, and I'm actually quite fond of them. Any ecologist will tell you they are a vital to an ecosystem. Plus, some of their blogs are really quite funny. The ninja-looters that is, not the ecologists. Ecologists rarely have a sense of humour, an oversight on my part I'm afraid.


Lots of love,


God



Other Blog Banters:
Fiddler's Edge - Pirates and Griefers
A Merry Life and A Short One - Logical Fallacy
Diary of A Pod Pilot - Griefing, Not just for the Tears
Venom's Bite - A Very Simple Proposal
Where The Frack Is My Ship - Think Like a Capsuleer
Mike Azariah - Blaming the Victim
more to come...

10 comments:

  1. Oh Lords, that is a beautiful thing. I hope you do more letters between Sar and God . . . honestly.

    m

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  2. Hilarious, loved the post m8. I second Mike's comment, moar of this!

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  3. Dear Sar,
    Please eat some concrete and HTFU.
    //God.


    Nice read mate. Very entertaining.

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  4. That was actually very funny and clever :)
    Good stuff!

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  5. "But I invented parasites and scavengers and bottom-feeders, and I'm actually quite fond of them. Any ecologist will tell you they are a vital to an ecosystem. Plus, some of their blogs are really quite funny. The ninja-looters that is, not the ecologists. Ecologists rarely have a sense of humour, an oversight on my part I'm afraid."

    I think I just converted. I am a ninja and God loves ME :)

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  6. Priceless! You need to write more often.

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  7. Thanks for the positive comments folks, it's very encouraging, especially during the current Freebooters EVE sargasso.

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Lay it on me.